“Parenting isn’t easy,” says Amy, a single, stay-at-home mom in Durham. “It’s a lot.”
Based on her hospital’s recommendation, Amy, whose son Cody is now five, came to Exchange Family Center (EFC) as a new parent. EFC has supported Durham families free of charge since 1992 with a range of evidence-based services for families with kids of all ages.
Conflicting messages about parenting
Without a lot of “mom friends,” Amy was on her own during the day for Cody’s first two years. In addition, she was getting lots of advice from family that made her unsure of her own instincts. She began to ask herself: “Am I being too clingy, too smothering?”
Leah Parrish Santibañez, LCSW, points out that EFC’s family therapists hear this “all the time. Parents want to pick up their baby, but someone told them not to.” Both women spoke to the common myth that a baby will be spoiled if a parent holds them too much. Santibañez says these messages “go against our natural instincts and muddies the waters of how we should parent.”
“I knew instinctually that that’s what I’m supposed to be doing,” says Amy. It “really helped” when EFC’s family therapist said: “That’s not a problem, you’re building a secure attachment.” Amy goes on, “so I did do a lot of holding, and being really attentive, and I think it paid off in the long run because he’s grown to be such a confident, happy, intelligent child.”
‘A good start’
It’s easy to put a kid in front of the TV or a screen “to keep them quiet when you have stuff to do,” Amy says. But one of her highest priorities was to “give my son a good start.” Amy loved reading to Cody regularly, and even more when her family therapist encouraged her. “I did a lot of paying attention also,” Amy says, “I focused on him a lot and was down there playing with him.”
Time together, playing together, builds crucial bonds. For example, EFC teaches parents to “‘follow the lead’ of the child,” Santibañez says. “It’s entering the child’s world; what are they imagining this playtime is about? Don’t try to correct them, or make them do it the right way, just follow along and see where it takes you.”
“Having this program,” Amy says, “gave me the confidence in what I’m doing. I’m fostering his love of learning and imagination and that really made a difference.” Cody started reading at 3, Amy says, “and now he’s reading the books I’m reading.”
“Bringing information is important,” says Santibañez, but even more, “we’re building confidence, letting parents know ‘you can do this!’”
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“I’m very confident in my parenting now. I definitely feel that.
— Amy, a single mom, EFC client
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Preventing child abuse
The information and confidence Amy gained from EFC played a critical role in helping her manage the stress of being a new mom and not always knowing how to deal with her newborn’s sometimes seemingly inconsolable crying.
“It was scary. I was stressed out; he was stressed out; I was exhausted and alone. It was the scariest moment in parenting for me—knowing that everything I usually did wasn’t working. But the family therapist taught me tips and tricks to de-stress and de-escalate the situation. First, make sure he’s safe, like in his crib. Then, if you take a couple of minutes for yourself, to regroup, and clear your head, you’re not going to get worked up and potentially shake him or do something to hurt him.”
“You wouldn’t believe you could let yourself get to that point,” Amy says, “but it really can happen. So giving parents techniques and strategies to work through that, that was invaluable, it really was.”
Indeed, major studies demonstrate the relationship between Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and a variety of negative outcomes in adulthood, such as poor physical and mental health, substance abuse, and risky behavior.1 The stakes are high and support can mean the difference between success or a downward spiral.
“Abuse happens for lots of reasons, but one is lack of support,” Santibañez says, “not knowing what to do.” Some parents, though, have built-in support like friends or family. “For those that don’t have those supports, that’s where EFC comes in. Every parent gets help in one way or another. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Amy has clearly reaped the benefits of EFC’s support. “I feel like I’m very confident in my parenting now. I definitely feel that and I was able to learn and to grow as a parent—I have done right by my son.”
Reference:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). About the CDC-Kaiser ACE study: Major findings. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about.html.