In this age of data-driven parenting, parents and caregivers often worry that they are failing their kids. Even really, really good parents worry about successful parenting. Parenting is hard and unfortunately, it’s made harder by the guilt we feel when we realize it’s not supposed to be hard. It’s supposed to be instinctual!
But our ancestors living in caves didn’t have smartphones. They didn’t have mommy blogs, sleep apps, or even blue-tooth enabled smart baby swings. It’s so easy to get caught up comparing ourselves to other parents or looking toward external measures of successful parenting with all this data at our fingertips. So, what’s a modern parent to do?
Let’s face it: All you really want to know is that you are doing a great job (and by the way, you are). So here are six signs you’re an awesome parent:
1. Your child displays a range of emotions.
There are times when your child’s display of big emotions are, shall we say, less than convenient. It may be frustrating to see these emotions playing out, but the truth is your child’s ability to express anger, sadness or fear in front of you is a sign that they feel emotionally safe.
When children hide their emotions from parents or caregivers, that’s often a sign that there are challenges in the relationship. Consider what social and emotional skills are appropriate given your child’s age and look for them. Avoid shutting down your child’s self-expression or distracting them from their feelings. Instead, pay attention to them and even put words to the intense emotions.
For example: “I can see from the way you’re kicking the wall that you’re very angry. And I know you’re telling me this because your brother won’t let you play.” Saying something like this shows your child you can handle their feelings and that you understand their perspective.
2. Your child comes to you when they’re facing a problem.
If your child comes to you when they’re afraid or facing a problem, it shows that they see you as their refuge and their rock. This means you’ve provided a secure home base they can return to when they need help. You can encourage this behavior by welcoming your child in with open arms and listening to their problem no matter how big or small it seems to you.
3. Your child feels comfortable expressing thoughts and feelings without fearing a negative reaction from you.
When your child openly expresses their thoughts and feelings, this is a good sign that you’ve successfully created an open line of communication. Some parents unwittingly shut down communications through their actions, such as overreacting to thoughts or feelings they don’t like or which appear as a threat to their parenting style. Other parents appear so fragile, their children don’t want to burden them with their thoughts and feelings.
You can support the regular discussion of thoughts and feelings by accepting your child’s emotions as their own and not making them about you. If you need additional support for your own feelings, seek out another adult who you trust—not your child.
4. Your feedback is non-critical and non-labeling.
Awesome parents give non-critical, constructive feedback about behavior and avoid using labels like ‘naughty’, ‘bad’, ‘dirty’, ‘greedy’, and ‘lazy’.
For example, if your child eats all of the graham crackers before anyone else has a chance to have any, an awesome parent focuses on correcting the behavior: “You ate all of the graham crackers without sharing. It’s important in our home that you share with the whole family. How do you think you could make this up to everyone?”
This is very different from saying, “You greedy girl. Look at what you’ve done. Go to your room!”
5. You create healthy boundaries to keep your child safe.
Awesome parents also set and enforce healthy boundaries to teach children what’s appropriate and to keep them safe. Children without boundaries can end up feeling lost or confused. It may not always seem to be the case, but boundaries make kids feel loved and valued.
Some examples of healthy boundaries include sticking to a regular bedtime routine, insisting upon the use of respectful language, and not allowing teens to take the car without asking.
6. You repair your mistakes.
Of course, all parents make mistakes from time to time. So rather than focusing on being the perfect parent and feeling guilty when you stray from that unrealistic bar you’ve set for yourself, why not consider how to repair relationship-ruptures with your child.
If you yell, overreact, or call your child a name, it’s important to repair the mistake. Talking with your child about how you wish you had handled the situation can help. It can also help to explain how sometimes our big feelings get the better of us and get in the way of responding in the best way.
Although it’s tempting to look for scientific proof of our successful parenting in the data that bombards us every day, being an awesome parent is not about external measures of success.
The most important thing you can do is be there for your child. Provide a secure base from which your child can thrive, connect, and develop all the while knowing your love is unfailing.
That’s what it means to be an awesome parent or caregiver.
If you or a parent you know has questions about the Exchange Family Center, our parenting programs, or other ways we help Durham families, contact us today. Our friendly staff would be happy to answer your questions. We believe when parents and kids thrive together, families succeed!